Grasping to Reality

I travel because it gives me reason. I travel because it excites me. I travel because if I experience new sights, sounds, smells… I know I’m not living in a simulation of my own creation. Reality is what you can see, smell, feel, taste, however, our perceptions of reality vary greatly. How is it that two people, standing in the exact same spot, at the exact same time, looking at the same scene, can have completely different interpretations?

Sometimes I sit, read, watch, and am in two states of mind. One state will be experiencing what is being force fed into my head through my various biological recording tools that I was born with, the other mind will be analyzing what I am doing at that moment. Am I really watching this? Am I truly reading something that has been created by another? It is impossible to tell. It is far too easy to slip into a spiral of questioning. You start to see yourself as two separate selves. One that is aware of what is going on, and one that is consciously skeptical of what is going on. 

To ensure that I do not lose my mind completely, I travel. I am forced to push aside my second self into silence. That part becomes dormant for a short length of time. It will only awaken when there is silence. When there is stillness. When there is no more travel and I am left to my own devices. No more distractions, only my inner thoughts. 

Paradoxically, I can function, to all observers, normally in society. I can work, communicate, and be responsible for my own actions. Alternatively, for now, I have come to a realization that this cannot be everlasting. This state is not sustainable. It is only a matter of time. Any moment could be my undoing. 

As I end this post, I will move to my lounge, turn on the television, and hopefully, for more than a moment, have some respite from my incessant torment. I will wake up tomorrow, smile, exercise, work, and converse. I will appear normal. I will be a second observer to myself. I will criticize every action. I will replay my words, facial expressions, and others responses a thousand times over. Little papercut like incisions slowly tunneling towards the roots of my brain. I will be absolutely narcissistic, and think only of myself, and how others see me. Completely and utterly self absorbed.

20th, July, 2025